Who are you, and what do you want?

My dad used to get a kick out of answering the door and booming out "Who are you and what do you want?" It would scare the living daylight out of people . . .

Do you want to know what else is scary? Asking yourself that question.

Who am I and what do I want?

My friend recently asked me these questions and I realized I was a bit at a loss. Who do I really think I am and what do I really want?

I have a quote written in dry erase marker on my bedroom mirror, "You can have anything you want in life, but you must take action now." But what if I don't know what I want?

I think it's important to clarify what you want into two different categories: What you want and what you are willing to do (usually on a daily basis) to get it.

You can easily say you want to be a millionaire but if you don't want to work your butt off and take risks and be humble enough to learn from people who've done it . . . than you are probably not going to ever become a millionaire.

I do believe the quote though. I believe that people can have whatever they want--like really practically anything. It's just a matter of what you're willing to do and sacrifice in order to get it. And that maybe some of those dreams pretty much need to become an exclusive dream--it seems you have to give up just about everything else to get that golden egg.

So I find myself wondering . . . what eggs (golden or not) do I really want? And maybe it's my own personal limiting belief that some of the things I want are "golden" and that I can't "have it all."

But I know the other mom's out there have got to be feeling a bit like me right? It's just so hard. I want it all and my egg basket is just not big enough to hold it all.

I want to be a writer . . . like really a writer with published books and lots of readers.

I want to be a mom . . . like really a mom who's always there for my kiddos for all the daily and spontaneous craziness.

I want to be a wife . . . like really a wife who's passionate and Elmers-glue-tight to my husband.

And maybe an artist . . .

Plus . . . all the other things. The list is a mile long of all the things I want to do and be and give and learn.

And then I get overwhelmed and all the eggs splatter onto the ground. Plus there's that one Golden Egg I'm after . . . the "writer" one. I look at other authors, and what they've given up to get there and I find myself shrinking away. I just see so many of them unhappy; burned out or overwhelmed and disappointed or full of anxiety. Is it really possible to stay grounded and balanced? To be happy with all you have and all you want? But I suppose that is more of a "being a human" question and less of a "being a writer" question. I think we are all plagued with doubt and disappointment and worry . . . plus a myriad of other  thoughts and feelings weighing us down regardless of our calling in life.

I think my own major hang-up is daily motivation and faith that I can fit it all in and deciding how much I want to treat my writing like a job. I know not every writer struggles with this, but I also know I'm not the only one. In fact, I even struggle calling myself a writer most of the time. When people ask what I do I'm like "I write . . . but nothing published yet." Like that's a stipulation that must be disclosed. Like maybe I'm not a "real" writer since I haven't ever actually made a dime from my writing.

But . . .

I've been doing some soul searching and I've decided I need to gather up all my eggs (even the broken ones) and pile them up in my basket and trudge forward on my journey of life and stop looking around at all the people that are behind and ahead of me and stop worrying so much about what they think and what "might be." Because the who that I am and the what that I want is really not contingent on anyone else and their paths or their plan. I am me, and the world is open to all the possibilities I want to make of it.

And as far as writing goes I've decided that I need to get off the fence and give it my heart. It's taken me a long long time to realize why I even want to be a writer and why I want to get published and I've finally come to the conclusion that I want to do it because I can and because the journey is fun. Fun has always been one of my major motivators in life and I've let everything get so clouded by other peoples definitions of their "why's" that I've forgotten my own. Going to conferences and learning from other authors has been so good in some aspects and so damaging in others. I've let everyone telling me how hard it is being an author discourage me and get me down. And I've let other peoples definitions of what motivates me degrade my own. I've been searching and searching for my "why" behind my motivation to write and to become published and I keep skirting around the true answer because it just didn't sound good enough. But the truth is that I want to write and I want to ride that train to publication because it sounds fun! It's like a challenge, or a treasure hunt. I feel like I've been given this map of writing talent mixed with the pure gift of having lived a life full of loving family and friends who have fostered my talents and it honestly feels like it would be such an absolute waste if I didn't grab hold of that map and jump into the adventure--full throttle. And yes, there is sure to be disappointments and rejections but really . . . any true adventure would be boring without opposition.

So . . . with this conviction comes the clarity that, while I may not need to treat my writing like a "job," ('cause BLEAH jobs are so totally un-"fun") I do need to treat it with the respect and commitment it deserves. I need to give back to writing what it has given to me. I've got to take that little map that I've been given with all it's missing pieces and tattered edges and make it into something even more than what I've been given. Because I know that I can hunt down that golden egg and I'm just going to have to hold on tight to all those other eggs of mine and learn to stretch myself further and maybe even let go of a few of the unimportant one's, because this bird's about to take flight, we've got treasure to uncover . . .and it's going to be one heck of an adventure.

Takeaways from BYU Books for Young Readers Symposium

My soul has been fed. I seriously have the coolest Grandma! She took me to the amazing conference, BYU Books for Young Readers Symposium. While it is geared mainly at librarians, I found plenty of wonderful takeaways as a writer. It's amazing the difference I feel after soaking up the words of other creative people. I have heard before that you can't make art without consuming art and it's so true! I feel so much more creative and full after learning from other writers and admiring their works of art.

Tess Hilmo:
This woman is a local children's author and is seriously delightful. I want to be her friend!! Here are some of her words of wisdom:

• Dreams require honesty and vulnerability
• Dreams require support and encouragement from others.
• When the sadness is changing who you are, maybe it's time to move on.
• The things about dreams is . . . we ultimately find success, not in spite of our trials but because of them.
• Care more about getting it right than being right.
• Take a beautiful paragraph and practice writing it terribly so you can appreciate the difference as well as learn your bad writing habits. 

Check out one of her books, Cinnamon Moon.

Deborah Wiles:

• If you have a goal it can change your life--even if you never reach that goal.
• Time moves on and we capture what we can of it through our stories
• The only thing we can change is ourselves and there is no small change or choice.

Before I came to this conference I was not into reading biographies or anything historical but coming to this conference changed my mind. This novel, in particular, looks fascinating! It's a complete documentary type novel of the whole sixties! 

Melissa Sweet
I was completely spell-bound by this woman's art and her art studio . . . oh my! It is to die for. I need a picture of it to go up on my vision board because I would love to have a space like that to be creative in one day! In the mean time (I'm awaiting her response to my email for a picture of her studio) here are some other inspirational art studios.)
----->My Pinterest Art studio Board

• If I'm in my studio I'm working. Even if I'm reading, that's work. 
• You have four good hours for creative work. It's hard to do good creative work after that. 

You must check out her books. Her artwork is so amazing. She does these awesome collages with old book covers that are so cool. 

4 ways to get showered with writing inspiration

Writing is hard. There, I said it. I'm sorry. I know everyone out there who hasn't tried it thinks us writers just stay at home eating bonbons all day, typing away merrily in our jammies. Okay so maybe the jammie part is fairly correct (we've got to at least have some perks to the job right?) And if I knew what a bonbon was I'd probably be eating it because writing brings out all the food cravings. And even though I love writing and wouldn't want to do anything else it's not always merry. It's more like a battle.

The thing I struggle the most with is just starting. There are always a million different excuses of other things to do, things that don't require me to "bleed", as Red Smith put it, "There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein."

For example, I really had to push myself to write this post. In fact I was pretty much ready to just throw this whole blogging business out the window. Keeping a blog is like writing a "talk" every week because I choose to. It's insanity. And yet, I persevere.

Why?

Because I've learned something! It's a secret! Are you ready?

Drumroll please . . . .

Inspiration has come to me more stronger and more readily since I've started writing this blog. And there are two reasons I can think of for that. #1: God seems more willing to give it to me, I think because he knows I'm listening and because I'm willing to share it with others. #2: My mind is more open and looking for it. It's like the classic Barney song, "Standing outside with my mouth open wide, Ah, ah, ah, ah , ah , ah , ah , ah, ah, ah." For inspiration to come we have to be like good 'ol Barney. We have to go outside an open our mouth, ready to receive the showers of inspiration.

Plus the truth is, even though I'm sharing things with others, I'm definitely the one getting the most out of all this writing. So I could lie and say I'm doing this for you, dear reader, and maybe it even started out that way but the truth is I'm going to greedily take all this inspiration and keep on rolling with it. If others benefit because of it then even better!

But standing outside with our mouths open wide is not always easy, so here are some ways (in addition to keeping a blog) that I've discovered to help catch those raindrops of inspiration:

1. Morning Pages (Journaling):
I've always been a journaler. I have a whole shelf of notebooks filled with years of teenage angst. Super entertaining stuff. But it wasn't until I read Julie Cameron's book, The Artist Way, that I discovered the true power of journaling.

 You should totally check out her book, but the basic gist of what she teaches with the Morning Pages is to get a notebook and every morning to wake up, and before anything else, take a pen to paper and write down--whatever! It can be venting, remembering, rambling . . . absolutely whatever you want for about 3 pages. This helps any inspiration I receive to stick, because if I don't acknowledge it, ponder it and write it down, I feel like it just flies in one ear and out the other.

2. BICHOK:
This stands for butt in chair hands on keyboard. Something I've learned about writing is to keep going, even when inspiration isn't hitting me across the head. When I show up, and plug through the trudge, inspiration usually catches up and takes over. It's not always there to hold my hand and drag me down to the water and shove me in. Usually I'm the one who has to take that leap but then it jumps in after me and buoys me up and lights the way.

3. Take an actual shower:
Isn't that where all the best inspiration comes? Ever wonder why that is? I think one of the reasons is because we aren't distracted by other things, such as . . . Facebook. I don't even sit on the toilet without my phone in my hand, providing me with some kind of mindless distraction. So maybe the key is to pocket that phone and take more time to let our minds open to the inspiration that's waiting to rain down on us.

4. Set a daily goal:
This can either be a timed goal or a content goal. The good thing about setting a content goal such as writing 500 words a day is that you are probably going to train yourself to write faster and be more focused during your writing time. I usually set myself time goals, and I find myself getting distracted and coming up with excuses to take breaks for different things like . . . bonbons! (Or researching things such as . . . what the heck is a bonbon?)

Oh look! Apparently it's a french chocolate truffles. Yum! Yes, I'll take some of those please. You can buy some for you (or for me) here.

The better I get at writing, the worse I get at reading

               It’s disastrous. Reading is probably right up there as one of my all-time favorite things in this world to do, so I’m not really happy about it progressively loosing bits of its magic.

                The best thing about reading is getting lost in a story and the second best thing is being completely blown away by the mystery and genius of it all. It’s really depressing when I start to notice the author more than the characters. It’s not that I try to do this (most of the time.) Usually I want to get lost in a story, and luckily I still often can. But I also can’t help noticing things
the author does well and also things he or she doesn’t do well, which is great for learning but not so great for enjoyment.

                Although, I have to admit, it is exhilarating when I read something from an author that used to baffle me with its genius and then later begin to see the “wires” behind its illustrious “magic tricks.”

                So in the end if becoming a “bad” reader is the sacrifice I have to make to become a better writer, it’s a sacrifice I’ll gladly make. And maybe one day I can baffle you all with my own kind of creative genius because the truth is—every book has its own unique magic and luckily this world is full of the creative works of others and I’m so grateful we can build and learn and grow off one another’s gifts.  

               

                

Team up with J.K. Rowling?

My adorable nine year old has been obsessed with Harry Potter lately. He's even created his own little Harry Potter club that meets once a week, and he's started creating his own fan fiction. The other day I sneakily peaked at his journal and caught him writing this:

Oh my heart. It's about to explode. I wish I could just bottle this confidence and wonder and keep it for him for forever, because right now nothing is impossible. Nothing is out of his reach. I wish I could somehow bottle him up and keep him from the world and it's soul crushing ways. I hope he never learns that such a thing is impossible to even dream about. I hope he continues to reach for the stars. I think that might be my greatest duty as a parent. To keep this fire in him alive. And I guess my first step is to stop thinking this is impossible--so J.K. Rowling, if you're out there--my son's ready for a collaboration!